Blog #37: The Decline of the WWE Empire

 Part Three: The Wednesday Night Wars

In February 2010, WWE debuted a reality competition show called NXT. The premise of this new show was that a stable of male and female wrestlers from the independent circuit with dreams of WWE Superstardom would compete for an official WWE contract. After much drama and soap opera todo, the competition was won by Wade Barrett.

Shortly after the competition ended Wade Barret brought a new faction to the WWE. He called it "Nexus." Nexus was composed of pretty much everyone who didn't win the NXT competiton, notably Ryback (who went by a different name at the time). So, to recap: after three months of competition for a WWE contract, most of the competitors who lost got one anyway. WWE could have saved us all three months of that melodramatic crap and just skipped right to Nexus. But that's a different rant.

After its first season, NXT moved to the WWE Network, where I lost track of it. When next I heard of it, it had become the launch platform for the C-List newbies who were trying to make their bones. Successful newbies got promoted to the WWE flagship show Monday Night Raw, or to Smackdown!. Those Superstars who began to falter were downgraded to the then off-air NXT for more training.

Fast forward a couple more years to 2019. WWE debuts NXT on television, only this time not as a reality show but as a companion to its other two wrestling shows.

NXT began as a one-hour televised event that appeared to be the final hour of their program. From the outset, it was clear that the talent on NXT were nowhere near the caliber of their flagship show counterparts. Not only were they unpolished, they didn't have their choreography as down pat as they would in the future. But that was to be expected. This was the amateur division, after all.

NXT wasn't that exciting, and it did not have great ratings, but this is WWE -- if nothing else we knew they'd soldier on. Vince had the money to sink into it until it caught on.

In October 2019, TNT debuted a new wrestling show: All Elite Wrestling. Spearheaded by millionaire Tony Khan (owner of the NFL Jacksonville Jaguars) and former WWE alumni Cody Rhodes (son of the legendary Dusty Rhodes), this new company was promoted as "A wrestling show for wrestling fans, by wrestling fans" and it promised to be all the things that wrestling fans have been wanting since WWE became "Sports Entertainment".

Cough-Cough! Linda's political agenda! Cough-Cough!

It didn't hurt that big names like Chris Jericho, Dustin Rhodes, Jake Haeger, Jon Moxley, Kenny Omega, and even the greatest wrestling commentator in the world, Jim Ross threw their support behind this new company. Also prominent were several Ring of Honor standouts such as The Young Bucks, Hangman Adam Page, and SoCal Uncensored. The ROH guys dodged a serious bullet, in my opinion: the last time I flipped over to _Ring of Honor_ in hopes of catching the Exotic Goddess Mandy Leone, I was subjected to their new "Pure Rules" format. If you're not familiar with it, you're lucky -- it's little more than theatrical high school wrestling mixed with third rate drama and second rate talent. Minion 33 1/3 happens to like it, but I think it's crap.

(Minion's Note: Hey, Dem Boys! *AEW* is waiting for you!)

AEW delivered on their promise. In just a few weeks, their show, Wednesday Night Dynamite literally exploded. Their roster was packed with talent that had been starving for a chance to show the world what they could do, and show us they did. I've been utterly blown away by the level of talent that these wrestlers have displayed. Rey Phenax of the Lucha Brothers and The Bastard Pac (formerly Neville, The Man Gravity Forgot in WWE, another snubbed talent) are two of the highest flying athletes you will ever see. The women's division is absolutely top-notch! Kris Statlander, Penelope Ford, The Bunny, and Hikaru Shida, every single one of these women are phenomenal! If you haven't seen the match between Dr. Brit Baker, D.M.D. and Thunder Rosa, you need to look it up. You won't see this kind of action in any other company.

Since AEW is funded by millionaire Tony Khan, who will never bow down to Vince McMahon, Vince could not handle this upstart company in the way he has responded to other rivals in the past such as WCW and ECW; namely, buying them out and assimilating the company's talent into his own stable before dissolving the company. Faced with its first real competition in years, WWE was forced to mount a response.

Thus began the Wednesday Night Wars.

First, WWE extended NXT to two hours to match the two-hour time slot filled by Wednesday Night Dynamite. Then, they proceeded to disrespect the ever-loving frak out of their main roster by downgrading some of their top talent to what has always been considered the amateur platform. Wrestlers like Charlotte Flair and Finn Balor, who were big name main-eventers, got sent to NXT. The then tag team champions, Sasha Banks and Bailey, made frequent appearances on NXT to compete, even though it was abundantly clear that there was no way in the Nine Hells WWE was going to let any of the NXT female tag teams win the belts.

But perhaps worst of all, WWE orchestrated the invasion of Monday Night Raw and Smackdown! by NXT talent in preparation for the 2019 Survivor Series pay-per-view. This culminated in the Black & Gold Brand's first participation in and subsequent victory at a Survivor Series event. While this was intended to show the world that the NXT talent were equal to their RAW and Smackdown! counterparts, what it really did was make the flagship show talents out to be a bunch of bitches who'd been posing this whole time. I mean, the so-called amateur talent just ran up into your house and beat everyone down on _both_ shows! And _then_ they dominated you at their first ever Survivor Series!

 This didn't make NXT look good, it just made both RAW and Smackdown! look bad.

Since then, it's only gotten worse. WWE has pumped as much promotion into NXT as it possibly can in their effort to compete with Wednesday Night Dynamite, up to and including upstaging their flagship talent with talent from NXT. After this past Wresltemania, all three of the title holders in the women's division -- Bianca Belaire, Rhea Ripley, and Raquel Gonzales -- celebrated their championship gold in the NXT ring. With the exception of Gonzales (who is the current NXT Women's Champion) all three women are recent NXT graduates. And while Raw and Smackdown! storylines continue to plunge in quality, it's clear that a LOT more effort is going into the Black & Gold Brand's story writing.

Meanwhile, AEW has only risen in quality and presentation. Not only have they had better storylines, but they've elevated talents that have been ignored by the WWE. What's even better, much of the talent that WWE has snubbed in their own roster have jumped ship to AEW. Rusev (DAAAAAY!) has emerged as Miro and already earned championship gold. Andrade El Idolo has just premiered in great shape. Matt Hardy, Christian, Tay Conti, all have come from WWE to the AEW roster. It's only a matter of time before we see Bray Wyatt and Rowan make their debut.

But possibly the most damaging acquisition that AEW has made is Aleister Black, who WWE has absolutely mishandled ever since he came from NXT to RAW. He recently arrived on Wednesday Night Dynamite as Malachi Black, and I am frothing at the mouth to see the damage he's going to do to his competition in this company now that he's going to have a chance to compete like he's meant to.

If anyone contests the absolute _ass whipping_ that AEW has been putting on WWE since its debut, you need only look to this date: April 13th, 2021. That is the date that WWE announced that they were moving NXT to Tuesday Nights.

Ring the bell, ref -- this one's over. Your winner of the Wednesday Night Wars, by an absolutely dominating knockout, is All Elite Wrestling.

To make matters worse, AEW has just announced that they are soon to debut a new show, Friday Night Rampage. I'm very interested to see how Smackdown! fares once AEW is chomping on their ratings.

One final note: WWE, I have Loved you for years, and though I hate some of the directions you are taking, I Love you still. But when you promote the Black & Gold Brand, you really lose credibility when the only reviews you display during the commercials are from your own roster. #Didn't think we'd notice?

The preceding has been a message from the IFW; who would like to remind you that being an Empire is no excuse for being lazy, disrespecting your talent, or suing your former talent for the rights to his name just because he's kicking your ass in the ratings. This message is sponsored by the memory of Brody Lee and brought to you by the number -1. Rest in peace, Brody -- there'll never be another like you.

BLOG #36: The Decline of the WWE Empire II

 Part Two: Fizzled Factions and Wasted Talents

In the world of wrestling, everybody knows that airtime is at a premium, and that not every wrestling talent is going to get spotlight every show. It is also accepted as fact that not all talent is going to wow the crowds. Sometimes a character just falls flat. This is an accepted fact of reality.

Unfortunately, WWE has fallen into the lamentable habit of completely wasting good talent and valuable airtime. Obvious fan favourites are ignored in favour of established "Family Names," or are forced into completely ridiculous storylines and scenarios that erode their popularity until they're forced to go elsewhere.

Remember Ryback? This guy went from being an anonymous musclebound meathead in Wade Barrett's Nexus faction to a fan favourite with his iconic "Feed Me More" catchphrase and wardrobe that he appeared to have raided from Rob Van Dam's closet -- no shade, here; I've always thought Van Dam's spandex were the best in the business! Ryback took WWE by storm, a physical specimen who looked like a wrestling God. You'd think that someone who looked like him, performed like him, and had such a strong fan base would have been a hands down favourite for a championship, right?

Wrong. Instead of showcasing Ryback's actual skill, WWE constantly put him in creampuff matches with local amateurs and absolute nobodies. Yes, it's cool the first couple times you see someone like Ryback dumptruck a couple of idiots, stack them on his shoulders at the same time and Shellshock them into the matt. This kind of thing is meant to establish him as a real danger to any competition he might have in the main roster.

But the creampuff matches just kept coming. And when they finally did give Ryback an opportunity at real matches, it looked like he was finally going to get his shot. But in his very first WWE Championship match at a pay-per-view, it went like this:

1) Ryback beat the ever loving piss out of his opponent.

2) His opponent tried to rally and couldn't.

3) Ryback set his opponent up for his finishing move, The Shellshock.

4) The frakking referee low-blowed Ryback!

This nobody referee low-blows Ryback, costing him his championship opportunity. Apparently, he was supposed to be a new talent hitting the roster.

Do you know how many matches this nobody referee ended up having on WWE? One. One! He lost that match and he hasn't been seen since.

Instead of giving Ryback the comeback story and the eventual championship opportunity that he deserved, WWE instead went right back to putting Ryback into creampuff match after creampuff match, until they decided they were going to turn him into the next Goldberg. They did away with his flashy graphic tights and put him in Goldberg-like black trunks. Then Goldberg announced his return to wrestling and WWE's Goldberg clone hasn't been seen since.

This is just one of the examples of great talent that WWE has wasted. It's gotten really bad since The Ascension. This tag team got months of foreshadowing, all kinds of ominous warnings about their arrival and were set up to be the next major tag team. But before their first match they come out and claim they're better than Road Warriors! Absolute BLASPHEMY! This immediately cost them any fan base they had accrued from their initial promos, something WWE had to know would happen. They ended up disappearing very shortly thereafter.

Authors of Pain. Arguably the biggest (physically speaking) tag team to hit WWE in a long time. They got the Ryback treatment: nothing but creampuff matches and then set aside without any real competition. They were made Tag Team Champions for maybe a week. I think. They didn't keep them long enough to remember.

Most recently, do you remember the months of attacks the WWE suffered at the hands of Retribution? This new faction ragdolled the ENTIRE WWE with their attacks, devastating the ring, and trashing everything in sight. Superstars were getting jumped and put on the injury list because of them.

When finally they debuted: T-Bar, Mace, Slapjack, and Reckoning were expected to bulldoze the roster in the ring. Their arrival was hailed as a new era in WWE. Instead, Reckoning (the only female of the group) got one match and lost (both her mask and the match). The other three members of the faction have lost almost every match they've been in since. All the fear they'd established in the beginning, gone. Apparently, Retribution is great at sneak attacks, but in a straight fight, they've got nothing.

It's gotten so bad that their leader and founder of the group, Mustafa Ali, go fed up with them and quit the group entirely. On the most recent episode of Raw, T-Bar & Mace got their masks ripped off, which heralds another end to a great would-be faction.

The list goes on; fan favourite talent and potentially dynamite blockbusters completely shafted by WWE's mismanagement. Eric Rowan & Luke Harper (both individually and as The Bludgeon Brothers), Adam Rose (remembered him and his sidekick, the Bunny?), Lars Sullivan, Mojo Rawley, Jinder Mahal, and Rusev _(DAAAAAY!)._

Jinder Mahal deserves special mention, because it showcases how WWE treats their talent. He was a small time player, whose lowest point was indisputably 3-Man Band. But then he disappeared for a while, only to return in spectacular fashion bigger and badder than ever. Dude was shredded! And his attitude, nothing short of vicious!

Here's the problem, though: Jinder returned just in time for Crown Jewel -- WWE's pay-per-view in the Middle East. He won the WWE World Championship prior to this premiere pay-per-view. He went on to successfully defend his title at Crown Jewel against Randy Orton. He held the title for a short time thereafter, but as soon as he lost it, he disappeared again. Why? Because WWE didn't have an impending return to Crown Jewel, not for another year. WWE didn't need him to curry Middle Eastern goodwill. This has become typical of WWE.

Two other Superstars deserve mention in this, both of whom are currently suffering this craptastic treatment: Dexter Loomis and The Fiend Bray Wyatt.

Dexter Loomis is an amazing athlete on NXT. He's got huge charisma, a unique character (a mute artist with a creepy stare and a penchant for kidnapping other Superstars), and a ton of in-ring skill. His kip-up jumping turnaround leg drop is pretty damn impressive, especially for a guy of his size. Not to mention how he's freaked out a lot of other Superstars with the way he slithers across the ring, and let's face it: his submission finishing move, Silence, is bad enough. Having him cradle your head in his lap and stroke your hair after you're unconscious is just wrong. ^_^

Why is it, then, that he has one of the worst win/loss records in NXT? The only matches he has been allowed to win have been the ones that don't forward his career in any way. The two singles Championship matches he's been allowed, he was cheated out of the win -- in neither match was he beaten straight up. The other matches he's been involved in that had championship implications, he was the third wheel and was included only for the fan base, not because he was being given an actual shot at the title. Every time he is closing in on a decisive win, "something" happens to cost him the match.

And now, the Fiend. I've been a fan of the Wyatt Family since they first arrived. In his incarnation as The Fiend, he has terrified the WWE Universe. But in his current rivalry with Randy Orton, WWE has completely wiffed. As usual, there was tons of energy put into the setup -- the Inferno Match, the voodoo, Alexa Bliss's transformation and possession, all of it -- but the execution was lackluster at best. This was supposed to be the closing of a rivalry that began when Randy Orton torched the swamp home of Bray Wyatt. But once again, WWE has shunted a great storyline into the background. They've turned this generation's Undertaker into a set piece, filling in between Bad Bunny, MVP playing mouthpiece for Bobby Lashley, and the eternal Flair fluff pieces.

As a final word on WWE's mismanagement of their talent, I have two questions. Roman Reigns, you first:

Weren't you the guy who called Brock Lesnar a "cowardly bitch" on national television for the way he conducted himself as champion? For the way he held the championship hostage and avoided wrestling unless it was pay-per-view? Aren't you that same guy who said that people who do that disrespect the traditions that you've dedicated your life to?

Then, how is what you're doing any different? You've even picked up his old manager!

This last one is for you, Jay Uso:

You call yourself "The Main Event" but the only match you've legitimately won since Roman Reigns made you quit and brought you to heel was the Andre the Giant Memorial Battle Royale. Kudos on that, I mean it; but...when are you going to actually win some matches on your own and earn that name? Because, without Jimmy, you've proven you're not a singles competitor. You talk about "The Uso Penitentiary." I live in a real penitentiary, and let me tell you: we have a word for guys like you, who lick the heels of your betters and do their bidding because you can't stand on your own. You might as well be holding Roman's pocket when you come out to the ring. Just saying.

This rant has been brought to you by Cheshire Madness and is sponsored by IFW -- Incarcerated Fans of Wrestling; good talents tired of being mismanaged; and the hopes that WWE wises up before they really start losing out; and is still brought to you by the number 3. Thank you.

I AM The Kyle and I approved this message!

BLOG #35: The Decline of the WWE Empire

 *Part 1: If You Can Read, You Know What This Is*

{Mad Cheshire's Note: To anyone reading this, please remember that I do not have direct access to the Internet and cannot post this Blog to Twitter, Instagram, or other Social Media sites on my own. Nor is my faithful Minion knowledgeable about such things. I am also unable to see responses to these things that I write. So, I encourage any and all of you reading this to link this and the installments to follow to any WWE Network forum so others can read it and respond, and let them know how to get in contact with me through JPay if they so desire. Thankee sai!}

I have been watching WWE since way back, when it was still WWF, before they got sued by the World Wildlife Foundation and forced to change their name. I grew up with the Monday Night Wars during the Attitude Era, and cheered when Degeneration X invaded WCW Monday Night Nitro. I've watched bootleg ECW videotapes in awe of the death-defying stunts they pulled. I've seen flops and I've seen innovations; I've cheered my favourites and lamented the screen time given to idiots. And yes, I was one of those kids who dove headfirst off my porch onto my buddy and damn-near broke my neck. The Biohazard/Jason Sneeze rivalry remains ond of my most epic (and physically painful) teenage memories -- I have plenty of scars to remind me of our many battles. And for those of you who don't know, I am Biohazard and my Nuclear Drop was the shit! ^_^

For the last 20 years, I've had to watch WWE from my prison cell. I was delightfully shocked when Big Show and Brock Lesnar broke the ring on Smackdown!, and I had mixed feelings when Vince McMahon consolidated WCW, ECW, and WWE. I've seen great superstars come and go, and seen amazing talent get completely shafted for reasons I cannot fathom. I was enraged when Seth Rollins broke up The Shield, and I always looked forward to the Wyatt Family's next matches. And more than anything in recent years, I hated* what WWE did to The Undertaker's Wrestlemania legacy. It should have been Shawn Michaels that broke The Streak -- if anyone! -- not Brock Lesnar. That was nothing less than a blatant, promotional money grab by Vince McMahon who then allowed Lesnar to win the Universal Championship and hold it hostage for months, disrespecting both the talent roster and loyal WWE fans everywhere by refusing to wrestle any time except pay-per-view.

But I digress.

I Love watching wrestling. Right now, I even skip evening recreation to make sure I catch every minute of the first Monday Night RAW after every pay-per-view to see what happened. If I could have access to any one Internet channel, it would be an all-Anime channel; but WWE Network would definitely be my second pick.

It is because I am such a fan that I write these next couple of installments. First, I want to address the decline in WWE's quality. This really needs to be examined and discussed and, hopefully, enough people will say something about this to inspire changes by the management. It's what's best for business. Stephanie, Paul, I'm talking to you. Hunter would have known better, and probably kicked Paul's ass for allowing this crap to happen.

When Covid-19 hit, it screwed up so much for everyone, everywhere. I get that -- it didn't get any easier for prisoners like me, either. But WWE missed an amazing opportunity to shine the spotlight on talent that wasn't getting as much attention as they should have been. But, instead of bringing fresh, hungry talent from NXT, or promoting existing roster talents like Aleister Black, Buddy Murphy, or Humberto Carillo, they decided to scrape the bottom of the barrel and bring back a barely has-been like MVP! And I'm being generous by saying that they only scraped the bottom of the barrel with him! From there, WWE has only gone downhill over the last year.

To date, their major storylines have included a failed "Fight Club" by Shane McMahon, a poisoning scam, a hit-and-run frame-up surrounding and playing on Jeff Hardy's addictions (followed by the single worst bar fight ever), Retribution's rise and fizzle (an especially disappointing flop), Shane McMahon inserting himself once again into Wrestlemania, Sammy Zane's so-called conspiracy theories, and Roman Reigns becoming the so-called "Head of The Table" and turning into a complete bitch. But worst of all has been the latest storyline concerning Apollo Crews. WWE has completely disrespected every African American in the world with this new "Real Apollo" persona. Apparently, this native of Stone Mountain, Georgia has in actuality been Nigerian royalty all this time and has been hiding his terrible pseudo-Nigerian accent. Not only is Apollo claiming that he is the only "real" African American, but his actions are among the most cowardly, entitled, and whiney anywhere in the WWE or other wrestling venues. He has become the worst stereotype of a man of colour WWE has over produced, including the "Baller" and "OG" airs MVP keeps putting on, and even worse than Virgil!

If Apollo Crews' behaviour is that of "real" African royalty, then Chadwick Boseman must be turning over in his grave. Crews has gone from a top-notch athlete with an impeccable work ethic to a cowardly, sniveling, entitled whiner who attacks his competition (currently the North American Champion Big E) from behind, then flees and crows that he "showed his enemy the steel." What steel, Apollo? The steel in the springs in your bootheels that helped you run away so fast?

Not only does Apollo Crews sound like he picked up his accent after watching Black Panther a couple times, but haven't we already had someone who used a fake accent? Are you seriously rehashing this bit? I know it was a Jamaican accent, but it at least sounded authentic coming from Kofi Kingston!
With the world's focus on racial equality and the much-needed Black Lives Matter movement, it bewilders me that WWE would promote such a blatantly disrespectful stereotype. It bothers me more than Apollo Crews himself would allow himself to be portrayed this way.

Apollo, is this really the way you want African Americans to be portrayed in one of the most popular and visible entertainment mediums in the world? It's one thing to be a heel, it's quite another to sell out in such MAGA style.

Sadly, this is only the beginning. Stay tuned, folks, because I've got another rant coming down the pipelines.

The preceding rant has been brought to you by Cheshire Industries, diehard fans of wrestling since 1983 when we dropkicked that bastard in the white coat who slapped us on our ass; and is sponsored by fans who deserve better quality from their heroes, heels and antiheroes; and by the number 3. Thank you.

I AM The Kyle and I approved this message!

Blog #34: Review of Captain Marvel

 First of all, I LOVE the way they changed the opening logo to showcase all of Stan Lee's cameos in all the MCU movies. What a great sendoff to the greatest storyteller of all time.

This movie is a much-needed shout-out to girl power. While most females included in comic book movies are relegated to glorified sidekicks, damsels in distress and/or nursemaids to their male counterparts, Carol Danvers shoves guys into the back seat and tells them to sit down, strap in, and shut up! She makes it abundantly clear throughout the movie that she doesn't need saving and, let's be honest here -- she's right! From her unrelenting questioning (or outright ignoring) of any form of authority to her saving the future badass Director of S.H.I.E.L.D. himself (multiple times!), Brie Larson throws typical tropes on their heads and then kicks them out the airlock! This movie makes it clear that, if not for her, there would have been neither a Nick Fury or an Avengers Initiative as we have come to know and Love them.

So, this movie is your typical origin story. Brie Larson plays "Vers," an amnesiac soldier in the Kree Star Force. She's got powers that she doesn't quite understand, apparently obtained in the dim past she cannot remember. Sent on a mission to locate an undercover agent, she's taken captive by the Skrull and has her brain pumped for information on a one Dr. Wendy Lawson and something called "Pegasus." She breaks loose, kicks a lot of Skrull ass and ends up crashlanding on Planet C-53 (90's-era Earth, 1995 to be exact) where she tries to find a way to stop the Skrull from getting their hands on light speed technology that would allow them to invade entire galaxies. Hijinks ensue, betrayals are discovered, and Vers comes into her own, ending the movie fully embracing her destiny as one of the most powerful beings in the Universe, destined to bitchslap Thanos a few good times before the end of End Game.

Personally, I think Brie Larson was born for this role. She is eminently believable as a badass, exudes a charismatic confidence and sly humour not often seen in female leads, and manages to pull off the difficult task of being cheeky without seeming to even try.

In this movie, we get to see a young Nick Fury in his earlier years as an agent of S.H.I.E.L.D., still with both his eyes. There are a couple nice "gotcha" moments where you expect him to have lost his eye, only for it not to have happened. I especially liked the way he dropped his hardass persona in the presence of Goose the cat. It's a nice, unexpected dimension of character for Nick Fury and Samuel L. Jackson.

We also get a nice look at Agent Colson with hair! Yeah!

Goose the..."cat" is an amazing addition to the movie. What his purpose is and how or why he does what he does is a mystery, but damn! I Love that cat! Flurkin power!

Some of the best scenes in this movie include:

1) Vers escaping the Skrull. This fight makes it perfectly clear that Vers is a legitimate badass. I mean, she beats the crap out of how many Skrull while whipping off one-liners, all while barefoot? (The answer is 20!) And to top it off, she then goes back to get her boots before blowing up the ship! And this is all with her hands encased in metal cylinders!

(I bet the Skrull rethought their restraint designs after that encounter!)

2) The Metro train fight scene. Note to regular people: if a woman dressed for Laser Tag hooks off on a sixty-year old woman and that old biddy responds by hopping out of her seat and dropkicking her attacker, I suggest letting this one play out, and *not* jumping to the defense of the old lady who clearly has something else going on.

3) Interrogating Nick Fury. C'mon, finding out that his first pet's name was Mr. Snoofles? Awesome! And her proof that she's not Skrull?

Vers: "That was a photon blast."
Fury: "So?"
Vers: "So, Skrull can't do that!" she says, looking at him like that should be common knowledge for any Terran.

4) Vers in a Guns N' Roses t-shirt, singing Lita Ford's Kiss Me Deadly. What?! I'm an 80's kid and that was hot!

5) Goose going full Flurkin on the Kree!

6) Vers versus The Supreme Intelligence.

Vers: "I've been fighting with one hand behind my back; but what happens when I'm finally set free?"

The answer, we quickly find out, is she kicks EVERYONE'S ass!

7) Carol Danvers forsaking the classic trope of goings hands up with her former commanding officer-turned nemesis in their final fight and simply blowing him away! After all, she's got nothing to prove to him.

8) The reveal on how Nick Fury got his eyepatch: "Mother Flurkin!"

9) Whooping Kree ass to No Doubt's "I'm Just a Girl."

10) Goose hocking up the Tesseract.

On the Cheshire Scale, I give this movie 4 Grins!

The preceding message has been brought to you by CineMadness, your new destination for reviews of your favourite movies and television shows; and is sponsored by your local Laser Tag arena; Blockbuster Video (we're sure there's still one out there...somewhere); and Flurkin Feast: Tired of your shapeshifting cat-creature eating your Tesseract? Give them Flurkin Feast! Thank you.

I AM The Kyle and I approved this message!

Blog #33: Review of the Live-Action Lion King

There is a reason that a saying exists that says, "If it ain't broke, don't fix it."

The reason, it turns out, is that if you try to fix something that ain't broke, chances are you're going to break it.

Case in point, the live-action remake of  The Lion King.

It's not often that Disney calls it in, but dammit, why did they have to do it to The Lion King?!?! I grew up on that movie! I saw it in the theater with my Grandparents! It was one of the few shining spots in my childhood!

Now, before you try to say that I'm doing to this remake what so many did to the Ghostbusters remake (which I have not yet seen), I will tell you that my stance is not based on this not being as good as the original.

At least, not solely.

Since I am perfectly able to compartmentalize, I am first going to rip into this movie as it stands, and then in comparison to the original. And yes, Cats & Kittens, I am  going to eviscerate this movie -- rain ponchos and face shields are recommended for those in the first three rows.

The fact is, separated from the original, this movie does not stand up to scrutiny. Scar was not sinister in any way, shape, or form; in fact, I felt sorry for him -- the poor guy looked like an underfed housecat with mange. Seriously, people: how is it that Simba as a cub looked like he was one good roar away from punking his Uncle Scar down?

The hyenas were supposed to be this fearsome, terrible plague of the Pridelands. But they gave me the impression that if I pulled out my laser pointer I could keep the whole pack busy for hours!

I do, however, want to applaud Shenzi, the leader of said imbecilic hyena pack, for being ten times as sinister as Scar. Let's hear it for sidekicks that upstage their so-called superiors a la' Starscream! (DISCLAIMER: cartoon Starscream, not the movie Starscream)

If I had watched this movie without ever having seen the original, I would not have sat through it, and I spend most of my day in a cell! Disney might have paid out the ass to recruit an all-star cast, but the dialogue that they added in was unnecessary crap, the villains were about as sinister as a bowl of milk, and the songs were not the caliber we have come to expect from Disney.

And now that you think you're desensitized to the violence of my vitriol, let's compare this shitstorm to the original! Buzzsaws at the ready!

Admittedly, the first parts of the movie were more or less shot for shot the original. I could even stomach their rendition of _"I Just Can't Wait to be King,"_ because all the bright colours flashing across the screen kept me distracted. But starting with the introduction of the hyenas, the movie started to crumble. Once Simba fled the Pridelands, I would have rather been downwind of Pumba.

Starting with the hyenas, what the frak happened to Ed?! I Loved that idiot! Now, not only did they give him lines (which he didn't need -- he spoke volumes just by laughing!), but his schtick is a lack of respect for personal space? That's barely cringe worthy, and for all the wrong reasons.

When the original Lion King came out, Scar immediately became the rock star of villains. His song, "Be Prepared" was *THE* villain anthem of its time! But this live-action version? C'mon, Disney, you could have at  least gotten someone who could actually sing!

Jeremy Irons, man, I'm so sorry they did this to your character.

Rafiki. Ye Gods, Disney, what did you  do to him? You tried to redeem him in the end when he brought out his staff to the big fight, but let's not kid ourselves: slapping a staff on the ground is not gonna top Monkey-style Kung Fu! It was Rafiki's borderline "Old Man of The Mountain" madness that made him so iconic and endearing. Watering him down like this just makes me want to cry.

Several of the changes Disney made only served to rob the would-be hero of his glory. Instead of Simba crossing the desert by himself, running toward his destiny and coming into his own (a necessary part of "The Hero's Journey"), he is accompanied by Nala. It robbed him of gravitas. Don't believe me? Go back and watch the original and tell me which scene gets your heart beating more. And, instead of Simba forcing Scar to admit to his treachery and malfeasance before the entire pride, it's Simba's mother who catches Scar in his lies and exposes him, which completely robbed Simba of his moment to both vindicate himself and prove his dominance and right to rule.

I get that Disney figured that since they were already paying Beyonce to "act" (and I use that term very loosely), they'd also get her to sing, but none of  The Lion King's songs, ESPECIALLY* Elton John's Can You Feel The Love Tonight needed the "Beyonce Treatment."

Beyonce may "run the world" but her atrocious acting did more damage to the Pridelands than all the hyenas put together.

All that said, I admit: there were a few high points in this movie. Not many, but they kept me from putting my size 11-1/2 foot through the television. Getting an extended version of The Lion Sleeps Tonight from Timon, Pumba, and friends was nice; and the no-warning blitz from Nala was hilarious! And though I would have preferred Timon's iconic grass skirt hula dance to entice the hyenas, the nod to Beauty & The Beast was a nice touch.

And let's not ignore the fact that they did give Zazu an upgrade in testicular fortitude: that little hornbill took it to the hyenas! I cheered for him!

James Earl Jones, you are a God, now and always. I'm glad they didn't make the mistake of trying to replace you in this trainwreck. I hate that they minimalized your heart-to-heart with Simba at the pool, and I wish they'd at least have gotten that right. But even a little of you is better than them trying to fill your shoes with some half-ass wannabe. 

Give this pitiful remake of a legendary film one star, and only that much because Nala's surprise attack on Pumba made me laugh. I strongly suggest avoiding this movie and sticking with the animated version. You'll be happier.

The preceding has been a movie review by CineMadness -- a brand-spanking new branch of Cheshire Industries composed of both Yours Madly, and a crackerjack team of Minion cinema buffs led by Minion # 33-⅓, codenamed "Buddhameister-Meisterbuddha." Minion #33-⅓ has asked that I report that he has disavowed any connection to my "reckless" comments regarding Beyonce, her terrible acting, and the atrocity that was her musical "contribution" to an already terrible movie. He reportedly fears the retributive sting of some entity that he refers to only as "The Bee Swarm." While he may be a pansy, his cinematic knowhow makes him worth keeping around and I will therefore honor his request. I, however, stand by all that I have said, and I have an endless supply of Raid. Bring it.

{MINION 33-⅓'s NOTE: I am *not* a pansy; I am allergic to bee stings and I don't have an Epi-pen.} 

Blog 32: Holy Frak! I've been cloned!

As you all may know, I was recently kidnapped (don't look at me like that, she had Skittles and Slurpees!) who took me to an undisclosed location and performed all manner of tortures upon my poor self, up to and including locking me in a room with absolutely nothing to do. The horror! The sadism! The sheer diabolic evil!

Ahem.
So, after my spectacular escape and subsequent return to this dimension, I put a tremendous amount of effort into discovering who this woman is and why she kidnapped my super-cool-awesome self. I must admit that I failed. I was unable to discover this beguiling femme fatale's identity. It chafes my 'nads that this is so, but I am willing to admit when I am bested.

However! All is not lost! I may have failed in my search, but I have an uncountable army of Minions who are eager to fulfill my every whim! One of them, Minion #237, code-named Krylane, recently presented me with an image that startled me to my core -- the spitting image of my own adorable self taken straight from the digital world! After some quick follow-up research, I learned that the image came from an apparently famous game called "Animal Crossing." It turns out that all those electrodes she hooked up to me were to brain-scan me! The witchy temptress cloned me and stuck me in a videogame!

If you wish to see this, look for the character that shares my name -- you can't miss me! Wolfish good looks, leather jacket, Alpha mentality -- you'll recognize me as soon as you see me.

I understand that you will need some background information about your favourite Evil Genius so you'll understand the gravity of the situation we now find ourselves in. Thus, as always, your Mad Cheshire is happy to present my Strangers with a history lesson!

In 1376ce, an unprecedented meeting of the greatest superpowers of the world -- Good Guys and Bad Guys both -- came together to determine the fate of the world. In what would come to be known as The World's Fate Treatise, it was acknowledged as fact by both sides that there will always be Evil Geniuses, Supervillains, and various Nogood'niks who will always seek to rule the world, take cities hostage, steal everyone's left sock, or otherwise get up to all manner of hijinks just for shits & giggles. Likewise, there will always be Superheroes, Do-gooders, and Various Busybodies who will oppose them and seek to ruin their fun. This constant bid for power was termed "The Game." After much posturing, arguing, and threats of unmitigated destruction on both sides, everyone agreed that The Game must always remain fair -- mainly so that when one side ultimately wins, the other side can't assign an asterisk to the victory and cheapen it with their pettiness.

(Example: "Oh boo hoo! You only rule the world because you set off a MegaNuke that nobody even knew you had! Waaaahh")

Like any super powerful entity intent on achieving victory, everybody wants their victory to be absolute and above contestation. So rules were set in place. In exchange for keeping The Game fair, the other side will accept the victory of their opponent. Unfair use of power would be an acknowledgement of both fear and capitulation to the side such force was used against.

Get it? Got it? Good! Now you've learned something!

Fast forward to today. I have never made any secret about my designs on this wonderful word of ours -- I will accept nothing less than total world domination! I am utterly confident that the world will be a much better place to live in once everyone realizes that I have the right idea and just does as I say. Simply put, I will outlaw all the bad stuff and make sure everyone is happy. It's really not that complicated, people. But now is not the time for my manifesto.

The Worldwide Alliance of Superheroes is well aware of my designs, and they are well aware that I am more than capable of achieving my goals. In accordance with The World's Fate Treatise, they can't upend the gameboard we are playing by, say, nuking the general location they know I am in. Likewise, for them to simply put a bullet in my head just because they know I intend to take over the world would be the same as admitting they know I would succeed and admitting defeat, which would mean I win!

For me to keep up my part of the Treatise, it has been ruled that I am not allowed to clone myself in any way, shape, or form. Me having twice as much brainpower (or more) at my disposal would be considered an unfair use of my power.

You can see now my dilemma. As David Wong has said before, you need to understand that none of this is my fault! Nintendo cloned me against my will! I disavow any part of their cloning me -- I don't think they even know how dangerous it is to have a digital copy of my mind running loose in the Internet!

So, you busybody chowder heads, you want to wipe out my bastard clone, go ahead -- make my millennium. But I'd be careful if I were you: if you miss, you'll have a pissed off part of my mind with nothing to lose and out for revenge to deal with. You think _Ultron_ was bad? You ain't seen nothing yet! Alpha!

BLOG 31: Abducted!

 Okay, is this the right dimension? Did I get it right this time? Ye Gods, if I ended up in another universe run by idiots with their finger hovering over the Nuke'Em'All Button just begging for an excuse...what's that? AGAIN?! Then get me the frak out of here! Wait -- What? This one still has Rocky Road?

...

...Okay then. I'll stick around. For now.

Okay, Cats & Kittens, I know I've been MIA -- my Minions say it's been over a year since last I gave you a booster shot of Strangeness; but like David Wong said, it's very important you understand that none of this was my fault. Don't you worry, though: what I have to tell you will more than make up for the absence, and I've got plenty more to come!

So! About where I've been: You know how when you were younger your parents told you never to accept candy from strangers or get into a car with one? Yeeeeeaaaaaahhhhh...turns out that the same goes for when a super cute Japanese girl invites you into her Ferrari for a joyride complete with Skittles and Slurpees -- trust me, it's a trap!

Turns out said hottie had access to some serious pharmaceutical-grade knockout drugs. If not for my lifelong involuntary inoculation of various psychotropics that have helped me build a resistance to such things, it would've put me out like a light! I'll give her credit, though: when whatever she put in the Slurpee didn't do the trick, her knife-edge chop to my throat followed by her right cross certainly did!

When I woke up, I was in a sterile white room, strapped to a table with all kinds of neat wires and electrodes hooked up to my head. I would like to tell you this was the first time I've been in that kind of situation, but, of the many things you can describe me as, a liar is not one of them.

What followed was an interminable period of painful, mindwracking torture the likes of which defy the vernacular conventions to describe. By the time that Japanese hottie came in with her team of scientists, I was ready to give her the codes to my best Doomsday device if she would just read me the owner's manual to her iPhone!

{Minion's note: What Master Cheshire is saying here is that he was left in a room all by himself with nobody to talk to and nothing to do. According to our biometric tracking data, the "interminable" period of time between Master Cheshire's regaining consciousness and becoming aroused at the site of his admittedly bewitching captor was approximately 5 minutes, 21 seconds}

I could fill the rest of this with the hours of excruciating, deeply penetrating violations of my brain and privacy that occurred as my cruel captor funneled my brainscan into her computer while explaining what delightful plans she had for the world using my extremely potent and chaotic intellect (Oh Gods, I just realized she was monologuing! She's a Supervillain too!) but I'm not going to. Instead, I'm just going to skip to the part where I managed to escape because my loyal Minions showed up Rambo-style and threw a Quantum Grenade into the room. By a weird quirk of metaphysics and my own SEP field, I ended up shunted into another dimension, and have been trying to get back for the last several months.

You know that crap in movies where they go on a kickass time traveling alternate reality adventure and finally return to their own timeline/universe to find no time has passed in their own timeline?

Absolute bullshit.